4 Successful Extracurricular Activity Essay Examples
The purpose of the extracurricular activities essay is for admissions officers to better understand how your extracurricular activities have shaped and motivated you. This essay shouldn’t restate the activities you’ve already shared in your resume, but should elaborate on their impact and significance to you as a person.
These extracurricular activities essay examples were all written by real students. For each example, we provide a first draft, what the writer can improve, and the revised version.
Example of the Extracurricular Activity Essay Prompt
Write about something that you love to do.
Extracurricular Essay Example, First Draft
Thoughts on the Essay and How It Can Be Improved
It’s clear that music is a passion for the author, and that energy comes through in the essay. On the whole, the writing is fairly strong, but there is definitely room for improvement. First, although the word limit is 250 words, this essay only had 198. Especially with an essay this short, it’s important to take advantage of all the space given—every word is a chance to show the admissions committee who you are.
There is also some strong imagery, especially around playing the music and describing how challenging it was. However, there are still several places where the writing is much more “tell” than “show.” Something else to pay attention to is the author’s tendency to put commas before dependent clauses, where they don’t belong— this is a common mistake, but is something to be aware of.
The place that needs the most revision is the conclusion. It currently feels almost contradictory to the rest of the essay—the reader thinks the author has been describing their journey in learning to play a really difficult piece, but then they say that they have the “chance” to master it. Even if the author isn’t an expert in the piece yet, the ending should still be altered. They don’t have to say that they mastered it, but they shouldn’t say explicitly that they haven’t. Since they did just play it, they can talk about feeling satisfied that something that once seemed impossible was doable.
If there are still some words left over after expanding out the imagery, the conclusion could also be improved with some discussion of why they love music so much. They’ve been discussing it as a challenge to overcome, but if we could get some insight into why it makes them happy and why they’re eager to challenge themselves with these difficult pieces, that would really enrich the overall story.
The Revised Essay, Final Draft
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