4 Occidental College Essay Examples by Accepted Students
What’s Covered:
- Essay Example #1 – Senior Comprehensive, Storing Data on DNA
- Essay Example #2 – Senior Comprehensive, Psychology and Black Studies
- Essay Example #3 – Diversity
- Essay Example #4 – Why Occidental?
- Where to Get Your Occidental College Essays Edited
Occidental College is a fairly selective school, so it’s important to write strong essays to help your application stand out. In this post, we’ll share essays real students have submitted to Occidental College—all four helped their authors eventually gain acceptance to Occidental! (Names and identifying information have been changed, but all other details are preserved).
Please note: Looking at examples of real essays students have submitted to colleges can be very beneficial to get inspiration for your essays. You should never copy or plagiarize from these examples when writing your own essays. Colleges can tell when an essay isn’t genuine and will not view students favorably if they plagiarized.
Read our Occidental College essay breakdown to get a comprehensive overview of this year’s supplemental prompts.
Essay Example #1 – Senior Comprehensive, Storing Data on DNA
Prompt: Research is an integral part of an Oxy education. Completing a senior comprehensive is a requirement of every Oxy student. Additionally, there are opportunities with the Institute for the Study of Los Angeles, the Urban and Environmental Policy Institute, the International Richter Grant, the Summer Undergraduate Research Center, and other departments to conduct research. What is something you would like to research and why?
Imagine this: You’re going to your doctor for your bi-monthly medical checkup. You step into the doctor’s room and sit down. He checks your blood pressure, sugar levels, and weight. He then types the results onto his computer, hits a few buttons, and a machine alongside starts whirring. A few minutes later, it spits out a tiny pellet. This pellet contains your DNA, with all your medical history coded in it.
This concept may seem extremely far-fetched and unnecessary. After all, it’s way easier just to save your medical history to your phone than it is to keep a pellet. This idea of storing data on DNA is relatively new, and I want to love to learn how. At Occidental, I would like to utilize the resources available to research how to store information in DNA strands, to analyze this data, and to hold discussions with my peers about the implications of what this means in the future.
By the time I graduate from college, it is predicted that the internet will produce 463 exabytes of data per day. That is equivalent to 212 million DVDs per day! The data-storage systems that currently hold this volume of 0s and 1s typically cannot last for more than a century. Further, running data centers takes enormous amounts of energy. In short, we are about to have serious data-storage problems that will only become more severe over time. The answer to all this is DNA-based data storage. DNA can accurately stow massive amounts of data at a density higher than electronic devices do. I believe that the key to the future is harnessing this power and utilizing it. At Occidental, I want to find out how.
What the Essay Did Well
On the whole, this essay effectively answers the prompt with clear and direct language such as, “DNA can accurately stow massive amounts of data at a density higher than electronic devices do. I believe that the key to the future is harnessing this power and utilizing it. At Occidental, I want to find out how.” The primary objective of any college essay is to answer the prompt, and this one passes the test. The reader is not left wondering what subject the student wants to research during their time at Occidental.
Another strong point of this essay is the hook. Readers unfamiliar with the concept of storing data on DNA pellets might be gripped by the author’s description of such a strange scenario, which piques further interest. The immediate language of “Imagine this:” invites the reader to actively participate in the essay through exercising their imagination, which is an effective method of keeping them interested. Although this is an academically-oriented essay, the author’s language is not overly-complex to the point that the end result is boring or illegible.
While the author’s academic language is easily digestible, it is also clear that they are knowledgeable about the topic. Specific facts and figures like, “By the time I graduate from college, it is predicted that the internet will produce 463 exabytes of data per day. That is equivalent to 212 million DVDs per day!” add credibility to the author’s claim that they will research this subject. Using specific and well-researched language that is also understandable to the average reader is crucial to effectively answering this prompt.
What Could Be Improved
While the author’s response is effective overall, there is an unfortunate typo when the writer says, “and I want to love to learn how.” They could also refine unnecessarily-wordy phrases such as “and to hold discussions with my peers about the implications of what this means in the future.” Being economical with your sentences and phrases will empower you to say as much as possible within often slim word count limits.
Essay Example #2 – Senior Comprehensive, Psychology and Black Studies
Prompt: Research is an integral part of an Oxy education. Completing a senior comprehensive is a requirement of every Oxy student and there are a myriad of opportunities for research throughout your four years. Imagine you were just awarded one of our research grants for a project of your choice. What are you researching and why? (200-300 words)
With a grant for an Oxy senior comprehensive project, I would research at the intersection of psychology and Black studies, examining the psychological impacts of discrimination and affinity within the African American community. As I grow up and gain pride in my Blackness, I have more opportunities to delve into my Black culture, particularly through my English and 20th Century Black Society and Culture classes. However, I have not yet used a psychological lens to focus my studies.
Throughout my first three years at Oxy, I will build my toolkit within the psychology department. Whether or not this is as a psychology major, I plan on taking psychology courses in preparation for this senior comprehensive and to gain a better understanding of how my brain operates and affects decision making. I will also continue to study my Blackness, and Black societal advancements within and beyond the United States, as I would love to continue my research and journey towards self-love beyond high school. With my senior composition, and utilizing Oxy’s expansive research network, I plan to collaborate with professors in one or both departments to discover the best path towards a potential thesis or creative work.
I could possibly zoom into the Los Angeles community, researching and analyzing the Black experience in Los Angeles and creating an interactive exhibit portraying various Black Angelenos. Alternatively, I could pursue a thesis about how the Black experience in America is disconnected from other experiences of the country on a psychological level. Wherever the senior comprehensive takes me in terms of my research, I am thrilled to dive into the process.
What the Essay Did Well
Sometimes, the best way of evaluating an essay’s success is by simply asking yourself whether it answers the prompt’s key question(s). This prompt is asking for you to do two main things:
- Describe an area you’d like to research
- Explain why
This student does both of those things in a thoughtful, personal way, and so we come away from this essay with a much clearer understanding of both what they hope to explore at Occidental and how their own perspective would enrich the school. Some of the strongest lines are:
- “As I grow up and gain pride in my Blackness, I have more opportunities to delve into my Black culture….However, I have not yet used a psychological lens to focus my studies.” → This line shows how the student has developed their existing interests, and how they will dive into them more deeply at Occidental
- “I will also continue to study my Blackness, and Black societal advancements within and beyond the United States, as I would love to continue my research and journey towards self-love beyond high school.” → Similarly, but on a more personal level, this line builds a concrete bridge between the student’s past and their potential future at Occidental
- “I could possibly zoom into the Los Angeles community, researching and analyzing the Black experience in Los Angeles….Alternatively, I could pursue a thesis about how the Black experience in America is disconnected from other experiences of the country on a psychological level.” → By evaluating their topic, which is already interdisciplinary, from multiple perspectives, the student shows that they are ready for the more abstract work they’ll encounter in college
Additionally, the structure of the essay allows us to move smoothly from one idea to the next. The student starts by introducing their personal interest in the intersection of Black studies and psychology, then discusses what specific topics they hope to explore at this intersection, and concludes by describing a couple of concrete research projects they could carry out.
This structure is actually quite similar to that of a real research proposal, which is an added perk for this particular prompt, but you don’t have to worry about being that meta with your own essay. Rather, just make sure that each point naturally leads into the next one, and that there aren’t any places where your reader could feel confused about how they got there.
What Could Be Improved
This essay doesn’t have many areas to pick at. However, there are a few spots where the student could have been more precise, to make an already excellent essay even stronger.
For example, take these lines from the second paragraph:
“Throughout my first three years at Oxy, I will build my toolkit within the psychology department. Whether or not this is as a psychology major, I plan on taking psychology courses in preparation for this senior comprehensive and to gain a better understanding of how my brain operates and affects decision making.”
The student says they hope to build their toolkit with psychology courses, but their description of how they’ll do so is quite vague, like a prospective math major saying they want to learn more about numbers. A stronger version of this point would be something like:
“Throughout my first three years at Oxy, I will build my toolkit within the psychology department, by exploring which neural pathways are involved in decision-making, and how our environment impacts the development of those pathways. This foundation will allow me to understand how being Black in America has influenced my own life choices.”
This version more concretely spells out the importance of psychology to this student’s hypothetical research. There are also a couple of places where the addition of even a small detail would go a long way towards helping admissions officers more clearly imagine this applicant as an Occidental student:
- “With my senior composition, and utilizing Oxy’s expansive research network, I plan to collaborate with professors in one or both departments to discover the best path towards a potential thesis or creative work.” → The student could mention specific professors in each department whose work aligns with their own interests
- “I could possibly zoom into the Los Angeles community, researching and analyzing the Black experience in Los Angeles and creating an interactive exhibit portraying various Black Angelenos.” → The student could describe particular groups of Black Angelenos (students, chefs, athletes, artists, etc.) that they would like to focus their work on
While the student already has a clear vision for their potential research project at Occidental, these additional details would even more emphatically demonstrate their readiness for more rigorous, college-level coursework.
Essay Example #3 – Diversity
Prompt: Oxy’s central mission emphasizes the value of community amidst diversity. What do you value in a community and how do you see your perspectives and life experiences enhancing it? (200 words)
“I’m from Syria. About 4km from the capital.” Farid told me. His words underplayed the truth of his situation. He wanted to study in the USA, away from the conflicts near his hometown. And through
What the Essay Did Well
This “Diversity” essay starts off strong with a quote that leads into an anecdote, which engages the reader by showing them an example of the author’s community work (rather than providing a boring, dry description). The author then follows up with language that directly addresses the prompt by indicating how their unique life experiences relate to community: “Farid’s words resonated with me. As an international student, I struggled to find free tutoring options, and now I know how much of a difference it can make. To me, the most crucial part of a community is the willingness to help each other out and to have each others’ backs.”
Another strong aspect of this essay is its structure. There are two primary components to this essay: the first half where the author depicts their relationship to community through a strong anecdote, and the second half where they relate these principles to their future visions of student life at Occidental. This is a simple and effective way to answer the prompt by breaking it down into smaller, more digestible pieces. In this way, they spend an appropriate amount of time on the key components necessary to adequately answer the prompt.
Beyond the hook and structure, another strong aspect of this essay is the author’s ability to teach us about themselves and how they have acted upon their values. We not only learn about their struggles as an international student and the values they hold regarding their capacity to be in community with others, but we also learn that they are the CEO of a company attempting to act upon these values. This is an effective use of space because it tells the reader not only what the author values, but what they have done to act upon those values to make the world a better place.
What Could Be Improved
One area that could be improved in this response is the conclusion. The author is in the middle of describing their prospective involvements at Oxy, and they end things by stating that they want to help host cultural events and festivals. However, this statement does not wrap up the essay as a whole. It would be better to close with a sentence that expresses the intended higher significance of their goals at Oxy, or to restate and broaden the themes they introduce in the first half of the essay. At present, thee final sentence is an afterthought that is not conclusive in any meaningful way.
Essay Example #4 – Why Occidental?
Prompt: Why are you applying to Occidental? What are your academic interests and why do you think Occidental is the right place for you to pursue them? (150-200 words)
The interconnectedness of a flexible liberal arts curriculum that would allow me to discover my academic passions, and the diverse cultural sphere of Los Angeles, drew me to Oxy. Oxy also provides many opportunities for social impact, which would allow me to expand upon my growing passion for social justice work that developed through my documentary on educational disparities in Oakland. I am interested in working with SLICE to center my social justice efforts within the Los Angeles community, and joining various community engagement clubs.
During my preliminary research and hearing about current students’ experiences, I was also captivated by Oxy’s commitment to fostering an equitable, inclusive environment. My experience with transferring high schools demonstrated how necessary it is to be in a supportive environment where my perspective and identity are valued, and I know Occidental would appreciate me and support my personal growth.
Human behavior has always fascinated me, and Oxy’s psychology department offers a unique focus on researching theoretical and observational bases of behavior prior to delving into more specialized subject areas. I am inspired by understanding behaviors, emotions, and how people’s experiences shape their perspectives, and Psychology at Oxy offers a comprehensive medium to research such areas.
What the Essay Did Well
In this classic “Why School?” essay, the student does a good job of providing a range of reasons they are drawn to Occidental. They highlight:
- “The interconnectedness of a flexible liberal arts curriculum”
- “opportunities for social impact”
- “Oxy’s commitment to fostering an equitable, inclusive environment”
- “Oxy’s psychology department[’s]…unique focus on researching theoretical and observational bases of behavior prior to delving into more specialized subject areas”
By touching on how Occidental’s academics, extracurriculars, and broader campus culture align with their own goals for college, this student shows that they are ready to contribute to the school in a wide range of ways, and that Occidental is the right place for them to take their next step into young adulthood.
In other words, this student paints a comprehensive picture of what they’d look like as an Occidental student, by explaining both how they will benefit the school and how the school will benefit them, which is exactly what admissions officers want to see in responses to this kind of prompt.
The residential college experience encompasses all areas of your life–academic, extracurricular, and social–so even if the main reasons you’re drawn to a school fall into just one of these categories, make sure you touch on at least one of the others as well, to show admissions officers you’re ready to take full advantage of all their institution has to offer.
What Could Be Improved
Although this student describes their draw to Occidental in a great deal of breadth, that breadth comes at the expense of depth. The strongest “Why School?” essays don’t just speak generally about the culture of a school or the academic opportunities, but cite specific examples that both illustrate the student’s point more concretely and show that they’ve done their homework on the institution.
The student’s mention of SLICE, or Student Leadership, Involvement, & Community Engagement, in the first paragraph is an excellent example of the level of specificity you should aim for. However, this specificity is mostly missing from the rest of the essay. For example, take the line:
“During my preliminary research and hearing about current students’ experiences, I was also captivated by Oxy’s commitment to fostering an equitable, inclusive environment.”
This point would be much stronger if they cited a particular student’s story. Say, for example, they mentioned an Italian dinner party one freshman dorm hosted to make a group of Italian international students feel more welcome. That detail would give us a more concrete idea of what they think an equitable, inclusive environment should look like, and how that environment is created at Occidental.
Or, in the sentence “Oxy’s psychology department offers a unique focus on researching theoretical and observational bases of behavior prior to delving into more specialized subject areas,” the student could mention particular courses or professors who focus on their areas of interest in psychology. Again, that addition would help ensure their picture of their potential life at Occidental isn’t just painted in broad strokes, but also includes finer details.
A good rule of thumb for this kind of essay is to read over each sentence of your response and ask yourself “Does this line show why I want to attend this particular school?” If the sentence could easily apply to a different institution–for example, another liberal arts college in Los Angeles like Pomona–then you’ll need to get more specific.
Where to Get Your Occidental College Essays Edited
Do you want feedback on your Occidental College essays? After rereading your essays countless times, it can be difficult to evaluate your writing objectively. That’s why we created our free Peer Essay Review tool, where you can get a free review of your essay from another student. You can also improve your own writing skills by reviewing other students’ essays.
If you want a college admissions expert to review your essay, advisors on CollegeVine have helped students refine their writing and submit successful applications to top schools. Find the right advisor for you to improve your chances of getting into your dream school!
